Metroid Prime 2: Echoes Remade
by Zimthetim
Summary: This is basically the game Metroid Prime 2: Echoes in story format. This is supposed to be a comedy. Ridley the pervert is my favorite character.
1. Chapter 1: Temple Grounds

Metroid Prime 2: Echoes Remade

By: Tim P.

*Author's note: This story has some words censored. Don't like it? It's my story. Deal with it. I also made some people up in order to make some jokes. Oh and homosexuals are made fun of a lot in here, but this isn't to be mean, it's just for comedy. Sorry if any homosexuals take offense.*

Chapter 1: Temple grounds.

Samus is in her ship. She is reviewing the data the federation gave her about planet Aether.

Samus: Butter, milk, and eggs for General Zaroff's birthday huh? Well according to the directions my friends gave me, then this should be the right planet...

Samus's ship gets damaged as it enters the atmosphere. Then it crashes through the roof and lands.

Samus's ship: Ship was damaged as it entered the atmoshpere. Must make repairs before departing again.

Samus: I'll be here a while, I can deal with that.

Samus's ship: Also, human waste system was damaged. Must make repairs before purging your system again.

Samus: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! How the hell am I supposed to take a dump without a freakin' toilet!

Samus exits her ship. And enters through the door.

5 hours later...

Samus: Where the hell am I supposed to find a Walmart!

Ridley: Hey, what's going on Samus?

Samus: Shudup! Your not supposed to be in this game!

Later...

Samus comes up to a hole.

Samus: Ooh! A hole! I wonder what's in here?...

Ridley: That's what she said.

Samus: Seriously, Ridley. I'm like totally getting away from you.

Samus jumped into the hole.

Samus: Oh god, I have to take a dump. Hey look it's a dead federation officer. He wouldn't care for some brownies, would he?

Ridley: Sweet, I get to check out Samus's a**.

Samus: D*** it! He followed me! I can't take a crap in front of him! But I really have to go!

Ridley enjoyed watching Samus take a crap.

Ridley: Sexy!

Samus: Shudup, you perverted little freak!

Samus proceeded.

Samus: Looks, like I'll have to take things to High Definition and put my scan visor on.

Ridley: I'd like to see you in High Definition.

Ridley got in front of Samus.

Ridley: Hey Samus, how do I look like in High Definition?

Samus: My eyes!

Samus's eyes caught on fire.

Later...

Samus approached a dead federation officer. Evil looking black stuff then covered the soldier. The soldier got up like a zombie.

Zombie: Brains!

Samus: I ain't got no time for your sh**! Eat charge beam!

Samus charged beamed all the zombies to death.

Ridley: I'd like to charge beam you to death.

Later...

Samus approached Dark Samus. Dark Samus turned around.

Dark Samus: Yo wudup?

Samus: Who the heck are you?

Dark Samus: I'm Dark Samus.

Ridley: I wanna' go black and never come back.

Dark Samus: Jus cuz ma name's Dark Samus don't mean I'm black yo.

Ridley: You sure talk like one.

Samus: That was racist.

Ridley: Don't you know what Ridley stands for? ** .

Samus: I don't understand what a exotic yo-yo is. What is a exotic yo-yo?

Ridley: Exactly.

Dark Samus: Yo-yo wudup?

Ridley: Shudup.

Dark Samus: (sniff) Your mean!

Dark Samus goes into the portal. Samus chases her. Dark Samus is absorbing phazon and mumbling to herself.

Dark Samus: I'm sad, so I'm just gonna' get high by absorbing phazon!

Ridley: You know, my space-pirates and I sell phazon, if your interested.

Ing: Yo, wudup Dark Samus.

Dark Samus: These two are mean to me!

Ing: I'm gonna' kick your a**ses.

Samus: Bring it on! I can take all you b****es!

Ridley: Screw this, I'm going back in the portal.

Ridley goes back in the portal.

Samus: Right behind ya buddy.

Samus follows Ridley.

Later...

Samus approach the Galactic Federation Ship.

Samus: Seems like something attacked the ship.

Ridley: I'd like to attack your ship.

Samus: Hey wait, there's a dead guy with a memory chip that I might be able to watch.

Samus puts in the clip. A guy is reading a book. Another guy approaches. They begin to have sex with eachother.

Samus: Apparently, this guy was gay.

Samus fast-fowards a bit. The clip plays as follows:

Chief Soldier (Narrating): We followed a space-pirate containing illegal drugs to Aether, because we both had a birthday to celebrate and this was the last Walmart that had supplies but not enough for both us and the space pirates. Our ship was damaged but more importantly so was our human waste system. Now how the heck are we supposed to take a crap? We split our crew into two parties. Force One would keep to the ship. Force Two would look for the Walmart. Everything was going fine until they appeared.

Ing: Yo wudup. We here to rape your faces.

Chief Soldier: Not on my watch!

Chief Soldier (Narrating): Although we put up a good fight,-

Ridley: Me and Samus put up a good fight in bed. Remember that time I got you really really drunk?

Chief Soldier (Narrating): Shudup! This is MY flash-back being played on a chip! Anyways, but we were raped and converted into homosexuals.

End of transmission.

Ridley: I'd like to make a caramel baby with that Dark Samus.

Later...

Samus: Hey look! An elevator! It will elevate us to the top!

Ridley: I'd like to elevate you to the top!

Samus: Quit making perverted jokes about you and me having sex! Look, it's not going to happen! Your a freakin' Pterodactyl thingy!

Ridley: A hot pterodactyl thingy. Wanna' make some pterodactyl babies?

Samus: Ew! No! Now I got a nasty image of pterodactyl babies in my head!

Ridley: Heh, nasty.

Samus: Stop following me!

Samus goes up the elevator.

Later...

Samus just killed a dark alpha splinter. A weird orb thingy appeared and went into Samus's suit.

Ridley: I'd like to go into Samus's suit.

Samus's suit: Malicious software downloaded.

Later...

Samus is walking towards what appears to be an energy module thingy.

U-mos: Greetings, I am U-mos. Who are you?

Samus: I'm Samus.

Ridley: And I'm Ridley.

U-mos: Um, your not supposed to be in this game.

Ridley: Well your not supposed to be so gay, U-mos! How come you don't give Samus the light-suit until the very end of the game?

Samus: Wait, what?

U-mos: Shhhhhhhhhhh! Samus doesn't need to know that...

Samus: What light suit?

U-mos: (sigh) Fine! Take my freaking light suit before I even explain the war that's going on and stuff.

U-mos gives Samus the light-suit. The light-suit turns out to be very colorful with flowers on it and all the colors of the rainbow.

Samus: This is the lightsuit?

U-mos: Yeah. And it can glow in the dark too. It also has over fifthteen sayings when firing your beam weapon. Try it out.

Samus shoots her power beam.

Light-suit: School is fun!

Samus shoots again.

Light-suit: Boys and girls, wait 'till your married.

Samus shoots again.

Light-suit: Don't do drugs.

U-mos: Well? Do you like it?

Samus: This suit is gay. Take it back.

U-mos: Nope. You already put it on so you can't take it off, and it was forged from pure evil.

Ridley: Heh, this is just like Spiderman 3!

U-mos: Now I get to tell you about the war between me and the Ing!

Samus: Look, I don't have time for you and your stupid war. I got a walmart to find.

U-mos: I know where the walmart is. But you have to help me first.

Samus: Fine. Tell me what I have to do.

U-mos: One day, a meteor struck our planet. Creating two Aethers. The old one and a new one called Dark Aether. The Ing came from this dimension and so did Dark Samus and Mr. T., and Bill Cosby, and just about every black guy you can think of.

Samus: That's racist.

U-mos: Shudup, I have a big chair!

Ridley: I gots a big chair.

Samus: Ok, like, what's up with the big chair crap?

U-mos: Anyways, we were getting along fine. They used the Metric system and we used the American Standard system. But one day, us luminoth all agreed that the Metric System,... ...was gay. So we went to war with the Ing.

Samus: Wait, you went to war, over the Metric System?

U-mos: Pretty much. And there's three energy controllers around the world that the Ing stole energy from and put inside the dark energy controllers on Dark Aether. I want you to return that energy.

Samus: How?

U-mos: You know that malicious software you downloaded? Well that, was the energy tranceiver and my porn collection which was what made the software you downloaded malicious. Anyways, you must go and restore our planet's energy. I have also uploaded Spanish to your language system. So you will be able to read amber holograms.

Samus: Ok.

Samus left to go complete her mission.

End of chapter. 


	2. Chapter 2: Agon Wastes

Chapter 2: Agon Wastes

Samus went down the elevator to Temple grounds, then she walked up to the Agon Wastes elevator. Later she entered Agon. Eventually she met up with some Space-pirates.

Ridley: Yay! Wudup my homies?

Spacepirate 1: Wudup Ridley?

Ridley: Oh I'm just hanging with my b****.

Samus: I'm not your b****!

Spacepirate 2: D***, brudda. When did you get popular wi da ladies?

Ridley: Dunno. We're like so totally in love. We're gonna' get married and have lots and lots of babies.

Samus: Ew! That's nasty!

Ridley: Heh, nasty.

Samus kicked Ridley in the nuts.

Samus: I'm sick of your sh**!

Spacepirate 2: Hey! You need to learn some respect!

Samus: Well you need to learn some die!

Samus shot the spacepirates.

Lightsuit: I like to watch Barney and ask my mommy and daddy to buy me Barney accesories.

Later...

Samus went up to the energy controller. She scanned the hologram and a luminoth appeared.

Luminoth: Greetings. Listen to G-ay's testament. You must go and restore the energy to this desert, but in the dark world, you will need to find three keys that resemble balls first.

A sound is heard that appears to be a cell-phone.

Luminoth: Hello? Hey, what's up U-mos?

U-mos: Hey, before Samus gets, here, can you tell her that in order to proceed, she'll need to go stand on that red x over there, take her clothes off, and poll dance. And only over there on the x. And no matter what, don't let her know I'm on the other side of the wall next to the x with a camera. Ok?

Samus:...

Ridley: I say you should do it, Samus. :D

U-mos: Oh crap, is she here already? Guess I'll just repeat what I said to the torvus luminoth then.

Luminoth: U-mos, your an idiot.

U-mos: Shudup, or I'm not gonna' bang ya' tonight.

U-mos hung up.

Luminoth: So um, yeah,... energy... in dark agon... return... GOT TO GO AND DO LUMINOTH STUFF NOW!

Ridley: Hey, Samus?

Samus: NO.

Later...

Samus infiltrated the Space Pirate place. The Space Pirates are watching a monitor.

Space Pirate 3: Ok guys, In Metroid Prime, we recovered some footage of Samus infiltrating our base. Watch this is funny.

Samus jumps, doesn't make it. The spacepirates laugh. Samus trys again, fails. The spacepirates laugh. Samus finally makes it, but falls. The spacepirates laugh.

Space Pirate 3: And here's one where she doesn't know how to figure out the puzzle.

The Spacepirates laugh.

Space Pirate 3: Heh, heh, heh.

Space Pirate 4: Stupid Blonde.

Samus: :C

Space Pirate 5: Oh sh**.

Later...

Samus jumps down to find Dark Samus getting high on Phazon.

Dark Samus: Huh? Oh noes it's you!

Samus: Hi, I'm looking for the dark beam so I can use the dark portal.

Dark Samus: I- I- I so mad. I kill you now.

Ridley: I'd like to kill her too. :)

Dark Samus: Eat my Dark Samusness!

Samus: Eat my Awe Samus!

Dark Samus: Oh no! I can't handle awesomeness at those levels!

Dark Samus dies. Samus gets the dark beam.

Light Suit: Dark beam acquired. The Dark Beam lets you energize the target with black guyness.

Ridley: Samus truly is Awesamus.

Later...

Samus got a missile.

Samus: I gots like so many missile expansions. How much is my missile capacity now?

Vageeta: It's over 9,000!

Later...

Samus entered Dark Agon.

Space Guardian: Yo wudup, I'm da space guardian. From space.

Samus: OH MY GOD! AN ALIEN!

Samus fired a bajillion missiles.

A girl Ing: What's going on out h- ROGER! NOOOOOOOOO! MY DEAR ROGER!

Samus: OH MY GOD! AN ALIEN!

Samus fired a bajillion missiles.

Inglet: Mommy, daddy, wake up.

Samus: OH MY GOD! AN ALIEN!

Samus fired a bajillion missiles. Samus got the spacejump ability.

Lightsuit: The space jump allows you to a double jump. Me gusta hablar ingles porque es importante a me.

Samus: Did my suit just speak to me in Spanish?

Lightsuit: Spanish download is overwriting system be-que tu downlonido espanol de G-ay.

Later...

Samus got the lightbeam.

Lightsuit: Lightbeamos projecta energa de white guyness.

Samus: I found a key! And it does resemble one of someone's balls. I think it is a ball.

Later...

Samus: I found all the keys and now I can acquire Dark Agon's energy.

Ridley: I'd like to acquire your energy.

Samus placed in the keys.

Amorbis: Hey thanks for finding my balls.

Samus: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...

Ridley: I hope she finds my balls. ; )

Amorbis 2: I think you mean our balls.

Amorbis 3: Mine too.

Samus: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...

Amorbis 2: That's why we have three balls, one for each of us.

Samus: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...

Ridley: Wait, if you all share the same nuts, then wouldn't you all have six?

Amorbis 1: He's right, we're flawed.

Amorbis 3: We can't go on living.

The Amorbis's commit suicide.

Later...

Samus approaches the energy controller. Samus acquired Dark Agon's energy.

Samus: The energy is flowing through my shirt and pants.

Ridley: That's what she said.

Samus:..

Ridley: I'd like to flow through your pants.

Samus:...

Ridley looks at his pants.

Ridley: When I think about you, then energy flows through my pants.

Later...

Samus: Wuzup, G-ay. I got the energy.

Samus gave the energy to the energy controller.

Ridley: I'd like to give the energy to Samus's energy controller.

Samus: You are the most perverted THING! that I ever met. And yet, I have never been so turned on in my life.

Samus took off her clothes and did it with Ridley. U-mos was there with a camera in two seconds.

U-mos: Good stuff, good stuff, good stuff.

Ridley: Oh crap, I forgot I had aids.

Later...

Samus returned to U-mos.

U-mos: Heard you did it with Ridley.

Samus: Heard? You were there you idiot.

U-mos:Um... no I wasn't there recording the whole thing. Why would you think that?

Samus: I didn't say anything abou-

U-mos: It's too late! I already uploaded on the internet! Please don't hurt me!

Samus: Um... ok... Where do I go next?

Ridley: I know where you need to go next.

U-mos: Go to Torvus Bog, the swamp region.

Samus: Ok.

End of Chapter 2 


	3. Chapter 3: Torvus Bog

Chapter 3: Torvus Bog

Samus: Hey U-mos, I already got the energy.

U-mos: Already?

Samus: Yep.

Samus restored the energy.

End of Chapter.

Samus woke up.

Samus: Dang it! For once I thought I wouldn't have to do any work...

Ridley: Don't worry, I'll do all the work for you.

Samus: So... this is torvus bog.

Later...

Grenchler: Yo, I'm a grenchler.

Grenchler: And, I am too.

Iron-man: And y'all can die.

Ironman killed the Grenchlers.

Iron-man: So samus, can we go out?

Samus: Jus cuz you got a suit and can do stuff I can doesn't mean me and Masterchief are breaking up.

Masterchief: Hey, don't be messin with my girl.

Masterchief killed ironman. He walked up to Ridley.

Masterchief: Heard you f***ed ma' girlfriend. That's f***ing awesome.

Britain: F***ing awesome bomb!

Masterchief: THIS IS MY TIME! WHO THE F*** SAYS YOU CAN TALK?

Britain goes away.

Masterchief: Well, I say it's 'bout time for the Master-chief to go mastur-bate.

Chief leaves.

Later...

Spacepirate 3: Oh god, it's Samus again. You can have the freaking super missile, jus leave us alone!

Samus acquires te supermissile.

Lightsuit: Supomissos acuerdos.

Ridley: I got a super missile right here.

What goes from Samus looking for a missile expansion turns into samus and ridley having sex.

Later...

Luminoth: Greetings, I am H-omos. Go get maa' some energaa!

Ridley: Energaa?

H-omos: Energaa!

Ridley: Energaa!

H-omos: Energaa!

Samus: SHUDUP!

Later...

Samus goes in da' dark world.

Boost Guardian: Samus, you have killed ma' brudda. And I ist here to get ma' revenge.

Ridley: Enegaa?

Boost Guardian: Shudup!

Masterchief rips out of the Boost Guardian's stomach.

Samus: Masterchief, what's going on?

Masterchief: I dunno. I'm like so freaking high right now.

Samus: OH SH**! RUN! BUT FIRST, I'M GRABBIN' DA BOOST ABILITY!

Ridley: I can give you a boost ability.

Meanwhile where Samus is...

Lightsuit: Boostos abilijitos. Boostos tu speedos.

Meanwhile where Ridley is...

Masterchief: Why is there not a hole in this wall?

Masterchief punches the wall and makes a hole.

Masterchief: I'm so freaking high!

Masterchief turns into a rocket and blasts through da' roof.

Ridley: Samus! Wait for me! I'm scared!

Later...

Samus reaches the bottom of Torvus.

Ridley: I'd like to reach the bottom of your a**.

Samus acquires the gravity boost.

Ridley: I'd like to acquire Samus's boobies.

Samus slaps Ridley.

Alphablogg: Hi, I'm da' Alphablogg, I like blogging on facebook, lol.

Samus: OH MY GOD! AN ALIEN!

Samus fires a bajillion missiles.

Later...

Samus (In Dark Torvus) meets da' Grapple Guardian.

Ridley: I'd like to Grapple them boobies.

Grapple Guardian: Yo wudup, I'm da' grapple guardian.

The Grapple Guardian rips samus's clothes off, and sends the grapple beam up her butt. U-mos is recording this.

U-mos: Good stuff, good stuff, good stuff.

Grapple Guardian: I can't pull it out! It's stuck!

The Grapple Guardian trys to pull away but, his grapple beam rips in two. The Grapple Guardian dies. Samus throws up the grapple beam.

Lightsuit: Grapple Beamos aquejidos. English translation restored. Don't do drugs kids.

Later...

Samus approaches a giant egg sac on the wall. She shoots it off the wall with missiles.

Ridley: I'd like to shoot you off the wall with missiles.

Baby Chykka: Yo, I'm chykka.

Baby Chykka shoots it's tongue onto Samus.

Baby Chykka: GET! IN! MA'! BELLY!

Samus: Screws you!

Samus shot Baby Chykka.

Baby Chykka: No! Noone rejects me!

Baby Chykka mutates into Chykka.

Chykka: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! TRYS TO KILL ME!

Samus shot Chykka. Chykka still stood.

Samus: NO! YOUR SUPPOSED TO DIE! THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!

The proffesor from Futurama: Nothing's impossible! Not if you can imagine it! (You have to watch Futurama and have watched a certain episode to get this joke, folks.)

Chykka: NOW, YOU DIE!

Masterchief exploded out of Chykka's chest.

Masterchief: I hunger!

Masterchief bit the professor's head off.

Ridley: Let's get out of here.

Samus: Agreed. Wait. Look!

Samus collected Chykka's remains and entered the portal. Then she found herself in a strange realm. A giant stood before them and cryed a song.

Ridley: I think it's crying a song. I went like this: , V, , V, , ^! Quick! Get out your ocarina!

Samus:...

Samus got out an ocarina that was somehow in her pocket and played the Oath to Order. Samus got teleported to Termina Field.

5 hours later...

U-mos: Where the heck where you? You should've been in Sanctuary by now!

Samus: I don't know! There was this moon with a creepy face on it! And Michael Bay! And a Skull Kid!

U-mos: It's ok, U-mos is here.

U-mos started scratching Samus's back.

Samus: Oh yeah...

U-mos's hand starts getting lower and lower.

Samus: Keep it above the waist, U-mos.

U-mos: Oh, so you have sex with that Pterodactyl thingy, but not me? He's way uglier than me! Why do you even come here, Ridley? Nobody likes you.

Ridley: Screw you!

Ridley killed U-mos.

Samus: Ridley!

Ridley: What?

Samus: You can't just kill U-mos!

Ridley: Why?

Samus: Because he was supposed to tell me where Walmart was! Now how am I supposed to celebrate General Zaroff's birthday and somehow lose all my powerups for the next game!

Ridley: I dunno.

Samus: XC

Ridley: :o Uh... don't worry, samus, it'll all work out. I hope. Please don't kill me.

Samus: I guess we're supposed to go to Sanctuary now...

End of Chapter 3 


	4. Chapter 4: Sanctuary

Metroid Prime 2: Echoes: Remade

*Author's note: Sorry 'bout the ranting up ahead. Those boxes just creep me out. That's all. Stupid boxes.*

Chapter 4: Sanctuary

Samus and Ridley fell down to Sanctuary because the author was mean enough not to put one there. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! They enter the next room.

Samus: What are those things crawling on the wall?

Ridley: They look like boxes...

Samus: Seriously Nintendo. What a lame design for health containers. But they are kinda creepy.

Samus and Ridley go through sanctuary to find the Spider Guardian who looks nothing like a spider.

Spider Guardian: I'm related to Sonic the hedgehog!

Samus: How so?

Spider Guardian: My mom, wife, aunt, and sister are all the same person! Her her her!

Samus:...

Spider Guardian: Wanna' become part of the family?

Samus: Ew! NO!

Ridley: I do!

Samus: Ridley?

Ridley: Sorry Samus, I can't help myself.

Ridley and the Spider Guardian have lots of babies.

Samus: Ok, I don't even wanna' know who's the dad and who's the mom.

Ridley: Hey, Samus, check our babies.

Samus looks at a gross, horrible combination of a pterodactyl and whatever the spider guardian is.

Baby 1: Kill me.

Samus: I think it wants to die.

Ridley: Um, no it doesn't.

Baby 1: Kill me.

Samus: Ridley, I'm pretty sure it wants to die.

Ridley: No it doesn't!

Baby 1: Oh for the love of Samus, kill me!

Samus: I'm going to kill it.

Ridley: IT'S MY BABY! I'LL DO WHAT I WANT WITH IT!

Samus kills the Spider Guardian while it's distracted.

Ridley: Oh noes! Now we can't haves more babies!

Samus: Good.

Samus got the spider ball.

Samus: See ya.

Samus turned into the morph ball, climbed up the wall, and went through the air shaft.

Ridley: MY SAMUS! COME BACK! I'M SORRY! THE SPIDER GUARDIAN MEANT NOTHING TO ME!

Spider Guardian: WHAT?

Ridley: Spider Guardian! Your alive!

Spider Guardian: I THOUGHT WHAT WE HAD WAS SPECIALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

Ridley: But it is!

Spider Guardian: You take care of the kids. I have buisness to do. KILL SAMUS!

The Spider Guardian went into the air shaft.

TORVUS BOG

Samus went all the way to the bottom of Torvus Bog.

Power Guardian: Hey, was going on?

Samus: I needs the power bomb you possess.

Power Guardian: Well sure! Life is great man!

Samus: What?

Power Guardian: I'm like so f***ing high right now, man!

Samus: Why do you keep calling me a man?

Power Guardian: I don't know, I'm like so f***ing high.

Samus: If your a plant thing, then how the heck did you get high.

Power Guardian: I'm a plant. A plant that's a weed. Me and my weed friends are chillin' when I realize that I can smoke weed. So...

Samus: You chopped up your weed friends and smoked them?

Power Guardian: Life is great man. You never thought of weed smoking weed before did ya?

Samus shot the Power Guardian.

Power Guardian: You can't kill me. I'm high. I can do anything. Watch me fly!

The Power Guardian isn't moving off the pedestal he's on while he thinks he's flying.

Power Guardian: I think I'll turn on the radio. I like flying! It's such a jive! Why didn't the do this, in 1955!

Samus: It seems the only way to defeat weed is to smoke it.

Samus smoked the power guardian.

Power bomb acquired!

Samus went back to sanctuary.

SANCTUARY

Quad: Hi.

Samus: Hey.

Quad: I'm a quad.

Samus: Life is great man.

Quad: I'm not a man. I'm a quad.

Samus:...

After Samus's high was over...

Samus: My head hurts...

Quad: I'm a quad.

Samus hit the quad with a boost ball.

Quad: Oh no! I'm confused! I'll just leave the nuts vulnerable.

The Quad showed it's nuts. Samus boosted it.

Samus: I didn't know machines had nuts.

Samus found an elevator.

?: You b****! I'm like gonna' kills you!

Dark Samus appeared and pressed the button to start the elevator.

Dark Samus: Times to die!

Samus: Look. I know we didn't get along in the past but that's behind us now.

Dark Samus: Yeah, I suppose your right.

Samus: Let's forget what happened and make up.

Dark Samus: Make out? Ok.

Dark Samus started making out with Samus. The elevator reached the top of Sanctuary overlooking a cliff. Samus punched Dark Samus and she fell off the cliff.

Samus: You b****! I didn't say makeout! Hey look! An upgrade!

Echo visor acquired.

Samus: Now I can see faster than the speed of sound! What a gayish upgrade for nintendo to make!

Suddenly a voice filled Samus's universe.

?: This is Shigeru Matsumoto or whatever the name of the creator of Mario and games like that is called. I am the ruler of all the Nintendo universes. Samus, you are hereby ordered to stop making fun of us or we will destroy you.

Samus: K.

Samus went into the dark world of Sanctuary. Suddenly a thing that resembled a luminoth and looked mechanical tore off the wall.

Machine thing: Yo. I'm like the Samus terminator, like yeah. Like time to like die, like b****.

Samus: Samus ran past him.

Machine Thing: Hey! Come back here and fear me! ...Please?

Samus exited the Sanctuary Dark World. She collected the Screw Attack.

Samus: Um... What the hell nintendo? The screw attack? Most wrong name for an upgrade ever!

Dark Suit: Screw attack. Now you can screw people like a dude.

Samus: EW! What does that mean?

Dark Suit: Screw attack activated.

Suddenly a thing shaped like a guy's hotdog, if you know what I mean, appeared from the dark suit. A dark spacepirate commando appeared and ran into it and instantaneously died.

Dark Suit: The screw attack is your most powerful weapon and can instantaneously kill some enemies.

Later...

Samus entered the Dark World again.

Quadraxis: Yo. I'm like Quadraxis and stuff. So like... yeah...

Samus: I don't care how powerfull my new weapon is. I'll defeat you the old fashion way! There's absolutely no way I'll ever use the Screw Attack!

Dark Suit: Voice Activation Successful. Preparing to perform a screw attack.

Samus: Noes!

The screw attack thingy appeared from samus's dark suit again. The screw thingy moved and samus was forced to move with it as if it had a will of it's own. Quadraxis got screwed.

Quadraxis: I've reached my climax in like one second! Never have I had better sex! The power's just too overwhelming!

Quadraxis exploded.

Dark suit: Guess I was... a little too much for him.

Samus: Huh?

Dark Suit: I really like my new upgrade.

Samus: Huh?

Dark Suit: That Quadraxis was pretty hot.

Samus: Do you like have a mind of your own or something.

Dark Suit:... maybe. Hey another machine I can screw! C'mere cutie!

The quad ran in terror. Samus fought for control. NO! We're collecting the annihilator beam. Samus got the annihilator beam.

Samus: Maybe trading my light suit for the dark suit was a bad idea.

Dark Suit: No, no. I'll behave.

Samus got the energy from Dark Sanctuary. Then she went to the energy controller on Sanctuary and restored the energy. She returned to Temple Grounds to find U-mos alive.

Samus: U-mos! Your alive!

U-mos: OH shudup!

Samus: Huh?

U-mos: First Ridley almost nearly kills me, then samus neglects to take me to a hospital, and now look at me! I'm all covered in bandages and stuff! Now Samus won't be able to have sex with me! I hate you Ridley!

Samus: Ok, that's sad and stuff, but I need to go to Walmart.

U-mos: Walmart is in Dark Temple Grounds, but you'll have to find 9 dark temple keys all around the world of dark aether first.

Samus went to the place that needed 9 temple keys.

Samus: Screw finding the keys! Dr. Octogonapus?

Dr. Octogonapus: DR. OCTOGONAPUS! BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Dr. Octogonapus shoop da' whooped the wall. Samus entered and went to infinity and beyond!

End of chapter. 


	5. Chapter 5: Final Boss

Chapter 5: Final Boss

Samus went into the light and exited. The Final Boss saw her from the roof and then dissapeared. Samus went through two rooms to get to the final boss room.

Samus: So I heard your the boss around here, is that fair to say?

Final Boss: Yeah.

Samus: Then take us through the life of the Boss.

Final Boss: Well the first thing I do is: Talk to Corporates! Like a boss! Approve memos!

While the boss is distracted, Samus scans it.

Dark Suit: Emperor Ing. Is basically a thing surrounding the energy core with things on top of it that look like a guy's hotdog if you know what I mean.

Samus shoots the Emperor Ing. The Emperor Ing turns into a ball. Samus goes into a morph ball and climbs on the ball. She starts planting bombs on the boss.

Samus: Eat my bombs!... hey, dark suit, where do these bombs come from?

Dark Suit:They're pieces of your soul that I ripped off and made into a bomb.

Samus: Um... what?

Dark Suit: Oh nothing.

The final boss goes into his final form.

Final Boss: You can't beat me now! I'm invincible!

Spider Guardian: I'VE COME TO KILLS YOU SAMUS!

Samus's thoughts: Wait, the Spider Guardian is a spider thingy, so...

Samus: HEY! THERE'S A BUG ON THE EMPEROR ING!

Spider Guardian: INSECTS! I CRAVE INSECTS!

The spider guardian ate the emperor ing.

Samus: Now how do I kill you?

Spider Guardian: You can't! I've become invincible from eating the invincible emperor ing!

Samus: NO!

Ridley: Samus! I'll protect you!

Ridley ate the spider guardian.

Ridley: Sorry you had to see me eating mommy, kids.

Baby 1: Kill me!

Ridley: But, hey. That's life in the world of insects. Hey, Sam- Samus?

Samus was gone. She found walmart and stopped and shopped for her ingredients. Then she left to go to the portal to get to her ship but...

?: Stop right there!

Samus: Dark Samus!

Dark Samus: That's right! I'm back!

Samus: And your a ghost!

Dark Samus: You pushed me off a cliff after I did what you said and made out with you, you jerk!

Samus: I said make up, not make out.

Dark Samus: Oh. But your still gonna' die!

Samus: Ghostbusters!

Ghostbuster 1: Right!

The ghostbusters busted Dark Samus the ghost.

Ghostbuster 2: So do we get paid now?

Samus: Aw, but I don't have any money. Isn't there some other way I can pay for this?

Ghostbuster 1: You interested in getting it on?

Ridley: DIE!

Ridley killed the ghostbusters. Samus ran through the portal. Ridley followed.

U-mos: Yay! You've saved our world!

Samus: Yeah, yeah, whatever, I just came for walmart.

Samus flew off in her ship.

Later...

Samus and the other federation officers: Happy Birthday!

General Zaroff: Yay! Ack! My heart!

General Zaroff died of a heart-attack.

Samus: Dang it! I went through all that for nothing!

Ridley: But if you hadn't gone to walmart, you and I wouldn't have got it on like diddy kong.

Samus shoved her power arm in Ridley's mouth and fired.

The End. 


End file.
